Monthly Archives: May 2012

What Cosmo Won’t Tell You – The Gays Will

You pick up a lot of useful information when you’re a fag hag. There’s the stereotypical fashion, make-up, hair and decorating crap. And then there’s the ultra handy “you and your poonanny out in the world” survival type stuff.

Such as:

  • If you don’t ask their name, you don’t have to remember it, OR
  • Never leave home without your “ho on the go” bag*……. and one of my favorites:
  • Life is too short for messy bottoms**

You know, it’s the type of stuff your mom would tell you IF you could have an uber frank discussion about your sex life and your girly parts with your mama.

My own mother is into a strictly hands off parenting style. So, a heart to heart about anything, much less my nether regions, is off limits. But, since I became a fruit fly at such a young age I haven’t had to fend for myself in the sex ed department. Gay men know A LOT about sex, because they have A LOT of it and they are always happy to pass on pointers.

Recently my homosexy friend Tony D enlightened me about prolapsing and I haven’t been the same since. Mr. D told me that a tranny doctor told him that a ridiculously high percentage of people will at some point suffer a prolapse of either the uterus or rectum.

The conversation went like this:

ME: “What does that mean, Tony?”

TONY D: “It means your shit falls out”

ME: “WHAT?!?!”

TONY D: “Yeah, your uterus and/or your ass falls out and you have to get it put back in”

Could. This. Be? What fresh hell is this? Your insides falls out? I had no idea this was even possible. I certainly hadn’t read it on the cover of Cosmo, which is where I usually go for my hooha insights (the gays don’t have vagina’s so there are bound to be gaps in their body of knowledge)

My mom did tell me that if I had sex with too many people my uterus would fall out but I dismissed it. Like I dismissed it when she told my boyfriend that I used to be beautiful or the time that she watched too much Fox news and became convinced the United Nations had disbanded. Could she possibly be right about this? There is a first time for everything.

Tony D told me that the reason I’ve never heard of the dreaded prolapse is because it mostly happens to “old” people and nobody wants to talk about “old” people’s shit falling out. How old is “old”?

The other night an early twenty-something approached me at a bar with “Hello Miss Older Lady”. He obviously thought I was old. But, does my uterus? Is it ready to go? How do you know? Do you get any warning? Or does it just plop out one day while you’re waiting in line at the post office? How do you look at anyone in the eye after your uterus falls out? And how do they get it to stay up there once it does drop…….staples?

I kept thinking: no, no, no….please don’t tell me my shit might fall out. God already hates me, I have proof: I’m getting wrinkles AND acne.

A day or two after my eye-opening tete-a-tete with Tony D I was watching television when I saw a commercial that just about scared the uterus out of me. It was one of those class action law suit ads and it was for trans-vaginal mesh used in prolapse surgery.

SHUT. THE. DOOR!

First I learn that my insides can fall out. And now I have to live with the knowledge that they can fall right back out again if they use this defective stuff to tack it back into place.

AAAAAHHHH!

I’ve lost considerable amounts of sleep over this. But, after some research I’ve discovered that pregnancy is a large contributing factor to the big “P” and since I’m a childless spinster I’m hoping the goods stay where they are.

I’ve also got a new motto: A kegel a day keeps the prolapse away!

 

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*ho on the go Bag : A sexually active persons bag of essentials. Contents vary, but should always include lube and condoms

**bottom: The “receiver” in a sexual interlude.